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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24774433">Golden</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tmntfreaken/pseuds/Tmntfreaken'>Tmntfreaken</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2007), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drama, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Turtlecest (TMNT)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:34:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,931</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24774433</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tmntfreaken/pseuds/Tmntfreaken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonardo returns from Central America to confront his tormented emotions and persistent feelings for a certain hothead.</p><p>Leo/Raph.<br/>Turtlecest, don't like don't read!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leonardo/Raphael (TMNT)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Golden </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 1</strong>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>He looked at me with those golden eyes of his, making me forget how to breath.</p><p>He always called me fearless leader and even though those words chilled me, I still somehow liked it when it came from his lips. Though not spoken with love or care, the words still held his honest truth.</p><p>I would do anything for him, I would be fearless for him and I knew my back would be guarded in battle with him there but even out of battle, just seeing him walking around the lair or working out made me want to escape to the privacy of my bedroom, for private reasons.</p><p>We were staring at each other in the dojo during practice this morning, waiting for the other to make the first move but we both just kept staring. I took a defensive stance, inviting him to make the first move but being my ignorant self, I only infuriated him further. He, even though having the more defensive weapon, went on the offensive, aiming for my head. I blocked him, rolling to my right while taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the effect the fight was having on my body. He wouldn't give me a second to rest so I kept on blocking, ignoring the burning feeling in my chest.</p><p>I knew I had the fight under control but I also knew that if I were to win, he would hold it against me.</p><p>Being the leader and having the approval of our Sensei in my favor, I always felt like I had to prove my worth, that unless I won, my father and youngest brothers would gather against me, seeing me as weak but to recieve my hot-headed brother's raging glare after a loss against me was far worse than being perceived as weak, it broke my heart. </p><p>Yet, I won.</p><p>After practice, he dried himself off with a towel, ignoring me and made his way out of the Dojo, not sparing me a single glance. If only that overlook hadn't bother me so much but it did, watching him leave without a word made me breathe in deep as my fists clenched.</p><p>I didn't want him to hate me for being better than him, I wanted him to challenge me, he out of anyone was the only one who stood a chance. I craved for him to challenge me and I needed for him to look at me without resentment in his eyes.</p><p>My heart ached knowing I was the only one struggling with these overbearing feelings and coming to realize that he would do anything to leave the lair every night to get away from me only hurt me more.</p><hr/><p>I was staring at the blank TV screen in the middle of the night, waiting for Raphael to come home, and when he finally did, we fought.</p><p>He was yelling at me to fuck off while all I wanted was to wrap my arms around him.</p><p>Raph slammed his bedroom door as I stood alone in the living room, wishing he would've bothered to speak to me, shared were he'd been, what he'd seen and sincerely had asked me for advise if he'd needed it.</p><p>However, he never did. He didn't trust me enough, he left every night and came back early in the morning. I eventually gave up on asking questions because I knew he would lie.</p><hr/><p>Me leaving was never to punish anyone, I needed to leave for myself and because Raph couldn't stand to look at me anymore. I needed to become someone else, someone he could admire.</p><p>Two years have passed since I left for Central America, I was not yet ready to face him but I knew I had to. I was supposed to be back a year ago but I couldn't, his eyes tainted with disappointment would've hurt more than staying away from him for the rest of my life. Yet, I couldn't silence the excitement I felt towards hearing his voice again, talking about his motorcycle or yelling at me, I didn't care, as long as his words were directed towards me.</p><p>The lair was silent as I entered, it was late so everyone was probably asleep but Raph's bedroom door was open, he never left it open unless he were outside of his bedroom.</p><p>I walked straight to the Dojo, knowing if he were awake and still in the lair, he would be there and I was right. I knew Raph could feel me watching him but he ignored me, keeping his focus on the punching bag in front of him.</p><p>I could see the sweat tracing down his arms as his muscles worked themselves to their limit, hearing myself swallow hard and ignoring the inappropriate thoughts my mind displayed, I cleared my throat, making it obvious I was there and obviously wanted to talk.</p><p>His attention on the punching bag lost, Raph turned to face me, golden making my heart skip a beat, oh how much I'd missed those eyes.</p><p>I suddenly lost my ability to speak, seeing him again after two years reminded me of how much I'd missed just looking at him. His emerald green skin marked with the scars I knew and new ones I didn't recognize while also more muscular than I remembered, I couldn't help but stare.</p><p>"So...it was finally time ta come back eh?" he grunted. I could tell he was angry and I couldn't blame him.</p><p>"Yes" my voice was hoarse, I swallowed again, desperately needing moisture for my suddenly dry throat.</p><p>"Welcome home, now get tha fuck away from me" He said, voice flat as he kicked the punching bag, the force almost making the chain snap from its railing.</p><p>I knew I should have walked away, Raph was not ready to talk, his emotions ruling his every action but my needs clouded my better judgment.</p><p>"I was hoping we could talk" I took a seat on the floor beneath me, removing my weapons and placed them next to me.</p><p>I could see his shoulders stiffen, like he was preparing for a lecture he knew was coming.</p><p>"I've got nothin' ta say to ya" He didn't move while the punching bag was swinging back and forth from its previous assault.</p><p>"Then let me do the talking, just sit with me" Finally finding my voice, steady as ever, I watched him as he considered my words and after a minute of thought he took a seat, making sure to keep a decent distance between us.</p><p>"I know I hurt our family by leaving but I needed to do it, for us but also for selfish reasons" I locked eyes with him, the red fabric of his bandana resting on each side of his broad shoulders.</p><p>"I was broken before I left, I couldn't think on my own, I was living by the expectations of our father and let that rule my actions, looking back I can see how that got us out of numerous difficult situations but I also knew that I were not happy" I took a deep breath, his expression didn't even flinch.</p><p>"After being away for so long, I also realized what was really important to me. It wasn't the approval of our father, being the leader or being the best at everything that I set my mind to. I was happy and content just seeing you smiling"</p><p>His face didn't move but his pupils dilated, insuring me that he'd heard what I'd just said.</p><p>"I needed to come to terms with this feeling but I couldn't do it here, watching you every day, having the guilt and fear hanging over my head" I could see his walls breaking down, his insecurities becoming more visible the second another word left my mouth.</p><p>"I didn't know how to tell you without ruining the last fragile thread of a relationship we still had, I'm sorry"</p><p>We stared at each other, I didn't dare move, just kept watching those golden eyes process everything I'd just said.</p><p>I had been away for two years and I knew my feelings for him wouldn't go away. I knew my feelings were wrong from the human perspective and I knew I was being selfish, pouring my heart out on him like this but I also knew that if I didn't, everything would build up until I couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>"I just needed you to know Raphael and whatever happens after we leave the Dojo is up to you" I could hardly breath, I couldn't read him, he just sat there, eyes on mine.</p><p>A moment passed, eyes locked on each other's and slow breaths passed.</p><p>"Go fuck yaself" He stood and walked out of the Dojo as my heart broke, my chest clenching down so hard it knocked the air out of my lungs.</p><p>I couldn't move, my mind focusing on forcing the tears back, refusing to let them fall. I had predicted this reaction and had prepared for it but once experiencing it, I couldn't believe it was actually happening.</p><p>It was over.</p><p>The thread was broken and there was no going back from here.</p><p>The loud slam of his bedroom door was the last thing I heard before the silence consumed me, letting the dark thoughts of my mind take over.</p><hr/><p>I didn't know how many hours passed before I was brought back to reality by my father, placing his paw on my shoulder.</p><p>"My son, you have returned"</p><p>I didn't know how to respond, my throat felt like sand paper and I could tell tears had escaped, feeling the dampness of the fabric wrapped around my face.</p><p>"Are you alright, perhaps you should get some rest?" My father could always read me as an open book, I nodded, needing to escape to somewhere I could be alone.</p><p>Back in my room, I just stared at the interior, my past life placed on bookshelves and the blue bedspread tinted with my desires for him.</p><p>I had returned but he still didn't want me here.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Golden </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 2</strong>
</p><hr/><p>Raph refused to talk but he kept staring, every move I made, every step I took, he saw it but he never said anything.</p><p>Our brothers were happy to have me back, welcoming me with hugs and questions of what I'd experienced during my time away but Raph didn't bother to get involved. He left the lair every night, without a word just as he'd done a million times before, leaving me longing for him but the difference now from before I left was that I knew he didn't want me. My feelings were completely one sided and I had to accept that, I now had to numb my feelings while looking at him and only speak to him through the numerous amount of walls he'd placed between us.</p><p>After our fight on the rooftop, I finally accepted that he hated me, not enough to kill me but enough to hurt me.</p><p>He ran away, I called after him but he kept on running. I felt the sting on my shoulder and my mind became dizzy but my urge to fight was lost, I didn't care.</p><p>When my eyes opened again, Raph were there, helping me to my feet, keeping his arms around me to keep me steady and that's when I got the first genuine smile from him since I had returned and for a split second, the walls were down. It was just the two of us, no masks, no pretend, just him and I.</p><p>Then it was gone and the fight against the monsters and stone generals became our focus.</p><hr/><p>Two months passed, Raph gave up on being the Nightwatcher and our nightly patrols went back to normal but <em>we</em> weren't normal, it was like we came to a silent agreement that we wouldn't hurt each other mentally anymore but instead, that just lead to us walking on eggshells.</p><p>I knew we had to have the conversation but I wasn't ready to hear his response.</p><p>Seeing Raph in my bedroom late one night after the rest of our family had turned in was a surprise to say the least but seeing him sitting on my bed, without his gear or weapons made my heart stop. I closed the door behind me, not sure what to say.</p><p>"Hey" Raph said, his eyes following me as I moved farther inside the room.</p><p>He looked so tense while shyly watching me take a seat on the floor, my shell resting against the dresser opposite my bed.</p><p>"Hi" I removed my weapons, easing my back from their weight.</p><p>We sat in silence, we both knew we had to have this conversation but either of us knew how to start.</p><p>Finally, Raph seemed to have had enough of their protracted silent standoff and spoke first.</p><p>"I would die for ya, for all a'ya and you know that"</p><p>I nodded, knowing I wouldn't hesitate to give my own life if it were to save my brothers either.</p><p>"An' you left, leavin' us to deal with everythin' on our own, an' we didn't hear from ya for an entire year, we even thought you'd died at one point"</p><p>Guilt hit me like a cold shower, putting myself in my brothers situation, I could only imagine the distress they must have gone through.</p><p>"I know…and that wasn't fair to you and I…" In a swift movement, Raph stood up, interrupting me while looking down at me.</p><p>"Can ya quit the fucking polite bullshit! All ya do is makin' shitty excuses, can you take some fucking responsibly, you fucked up, you might've had some sappy story of why ya had to leave but here's some news for ya, we don't give a shit about your reasons 'cus apparently we weren't important enough for ya to return home to!" Raph said furiously while breathing heavily, his muscles tensed as he stared me down.</p><p>I took a deep breath, thinking through my response before I even dared to speak.</p><p>"I already told you I left for selfish reasons, I'm not proud of it but it was what I had to do in order to live with myself" I knew I wasn't helping my situation but I also knew that this wasn't the time to be anything but honest and Raphael was right, enough with the excuses.</p><p>"So what exactly made ya decide to come back huh? Ya finally realized that your jungle life wasn't enough either?" Raph said, his jaw clenching.</p><p>I could tell he was debating if talking was still worth the effort or if he should be taking out his emotions physically on me instead. I knew I had to step carefully if this conversation was going to lead to anything remotely productive.</p><p>"Because I couldn't hide anymore, I needed to face what I was feeling and I couldn't do that in Central America...because you were here" I stood up, wanting to meet his gaze at an equal height.</p><p>"Then spell it out already an' quit being so fucking vague, what are those feelin's of yours that are so hard to deal with?"</p><p>That's when it hit me that maybe I really hadn't been direct enough while telling him how I truly felt, I'd simply taken for granted that he'd understood what I'd meant. Stupid, I'm so stupid.</p><p>"I love you Raphael and not just as a brother or friend, I really love you" I swallowed, not daring to breath, I couldn't be more blunt even if I'd wanted to and this time I left no room for any misunderstandings, this was it.</p><p>Raphael's face, like stone gave nothing away, one couldn't read a single emotion from him as he was digesting the previous statement.</p><p>"So ya would be fine with the looks an' stares from our family an' friends, ta possibly have 'em all turn their back on you, just so ya could be with me?" His gaze shifted, pupils expanding.</p><p>"Yes…as long as I knew you were in it with me but I would hope to get the chance to explain the situation to our family...if it would come to that"</p><p>Without having a second to reflect on what was happening, my back was pressed against the dresser, my arms over my head and a firm grip around each wrist.</p><p>"There's no goin' back from this" Raph said, his voice a husky whisper which sent a shiver down my spine, his golden eyes locked on mine, searching for the slightest bit of doubt.</p><p>"I tried to ignore it, I tried to work past it but I couldn't, I'm back home and I'm ready to face it" My mind was set and I needing him to believe me, then I could see the confidence returning to his eyes.</p><p>He dove in, biting down hard on my shoulder.</p><p>"Ahh" The pain Raph inflicted gave me pleasure, with lust clouding the slight panic of having to come up with an excuse for the bite mark tomorrow, I let him bite harder.</p><p>The warm feeling of blood running down my arm relaxed my shoulders. His hands slipped from my wrists and worked their way down my front as his mouth worked up my neck. Saliva and his hot breath mixed with the cold air and blood on my neck made me shiver. Our mouths met in a heated, yet uncertain kiss as we both had no previous experience but learned together, following each others movements, listening to the others breathing and gentle moans as hands groped places on the others body no one else had previously touched.</p><p>My back landed on the mattress of my bed, his muscular body on top of my own, my legs wrapped around his shell, arms around his shoulders as I pulled him in closer, lips still connected while our tongues fought for dominance.</p><p>This is what I'd wanted for so long, to be able to touch him, feel him close and his eyes, looking at me without hatred, anger or rivalry.</p><p>His lust for me confirmed, I rolled him unto his shell, hovering myself over him and letting my urges take control of my actions. He didn't fight me as I kissed down his plastron, my hands caressing his arms as I moved lower.</p><p>Raph let out a grunt as my tongue moved over his lower plastron, his bulge becoming visibly unpleasant, yet he refused to drop down.</p><p>"It's alright Raph, show me" I took a deep breath, filling my senses with his musky scent.</p><p>With a struggled breath, he let his stiff member drop down, falling heavily unto my closed lips. I swallowed hard, the size of him both shocked me and made me wanting him even more as a shiver rolled through me, straight to my groin.</p><p>The smell of him made my head spin, while licking from the base of his cock up to the tip, I memorized every face of pleasure he made, wanting to imprint them in my memory forever.</p><p>The head slipped inside my mouth, my tongue rolling around it, tasting the saltiness of precum in the process.</p><p>"Hnnng!" Raph grunted, I could tell he was inpatient as he tried to buckle his hips upwards towards my mouth.</p><p>My lips parted further, letting more of his length inside.</p><p>Raph's hands came to grasp the back of my head, trying to force me to swallow him completely. I gagged, grabbed his wrists, ignoring him trying to gain control while I turned him onto his stomach, using my bodyweight to keep him down. I undid my Obi and in a swift movement, his hands were tied together, the ends of the leather securely knotted to the headboard of my bed.</p><p>"Unnh Leo?" He were breathing heavily, his face forced down on the mattress.</p><p>My arms lifted him, letting his knees rest steadily on the bed, head still pressed on the bed as I took place behind him.</p><p>My mind went blank just watching my strong brother like this, him being unable to fight back which left him woundable in my hands. My fingers traced the insides of his muscular thighs while heading towards my goal.</p><p>"Leo… stop"</p><p>I heard him say it but it didn't register, he fought the restrains but I didn't care.</p><p>"Stop!"</p><p>Ignoring him, my right hand reached his tail and my left briefly invaded the most private part of his body.</p><p>"Fuckin' STOP!" his desperation pierced through my lust and I froze in place, my mind clearing from its fog.</p><p>"Get me outta this shit right now Leo o' I swear I'll kill ya!"</p><p>I got to my feet in a heartbeat, untied his wrists and as soon as my brother was freed I got a fist to the face. I stumbled back a few steps from the bed, grabbing my jaw as a reflex and I could taste blood from my split lip.</p><p>"Raph! What're y…"! Instead of a soft shining gold from before there was a raging fire in his eyes, the betrayal was back and it stopped the words from leaving my mouth.</p><p>"Yeah, love mah ass ya piece of shit, all ya want is someone to bow down to ya an' submit an' shit, fuckin' disgustin''!" He got out of my bed and got ready to leave, I knew he'd already made up his mind and I knew that I could pour my heart out at this moment and yet it wouldn't change anything.</p><p>I could feel myself losing my own temper, which usually never happened to this extent but even I had my limits.</p><p>"You're deranged if you believe that and I'm done playing around your foul mood, either you believe me when I tell you or you don't and if that's not <em><strong>good </strong></em>enough for you then please let me know so I can deal with it on my own"</p><p>I couldn't breathe, knowing I'd just ruined any chance I had for this ending well.</p><p>He stood by the door, doorknob in hand and seconds from leaving.</p><p>"<em><strong>Deal</strong></em> with it then, run back to your jungle" and with that he left, leaving me alone in my bedroom, my knees threatening to give out.</p><p>Taking a seat on my bed, head in hands, my mind went over everything to try and see where things went wrong. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became, I could confess my love as much as I wanted but with his trust for me damaged, there was no chance for us becoming anything other than two turtles sharing a living space. The fact that we'd almost jumped the gun on the sex part didn't help any either, what a mess.</p><p>I had been back for three months and now I knew what had to be done to solve this, I would need to earn back Raphael's trust but knowing Raph, that's not an easy thing to achieve but I'll be damned if I don't try. There's simply no other option. </p><p>The other problem was my own entirely, perhaps the time I'd spent on my own the past two years had left its traces as well, making it hard for me to let my guard down and fearing not being in control of my surroundings. These were things I would need to work on as well, not only for the sake of Raphael but for the whole team.</p><p>A lot had to be done but sleep would have to come first.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, hope you liked it, I love angst and drama if you could't tell already!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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